Week of October 18, 2009: Is There a Message?

I was the least compassionate that I've been in such a long time today.  I guess you can say that I fell off the compassion bandwagon.  In "retaliation" for having been denied compassion (or so I thought), I lashed out in anger and exploded.

In the heated moment, I was certain that my position was the correct position.  I was ignored and so I got louder and louder until compassion fled the room.  I can safely say that I don't know how to be a kinder, gentler version of myself when I'm feeling that my needs are ignored.  There's still that voice in my head that says, "But Jackie, you were right."  I ask myself, "What does that matter?" 

Is it more important to me to be right than to be at peace?  Sometimes the answer is yes.  But at what cost?  There's always more questions that pop up once I think I have the answer.  Funny how that works.

Today, I want to do something different with my anger.  Perhaps, understand it a little better.  Befriend it.  Anger is useful and I don't view it as a negative because there are situations where it is healthy, appropriate, and can even save your life.  Getting angry is important when you feel that you have been unjustly wronged.  In fact, that was one of the topics of conversation I was attempting to have when my anger got the better of me this afternoon.

It seems kookie but I once read a book that emphasized talking to areas of your body that may be experiencing pain in an attempt to understand the message they carry that you are meant to understand.  I don't recall the book but it seemed like an extreme new agey kind of way to view the mind/body connection.  So, in my experimental nature, I took the concept and put it into practice to see what results I might yield.  Oddly enough, there was merit to this concept.  If I am ignoring my aching feet and pressing forward to get things done, the ache in my feet will continue and progress so that eventually, I won't have a choice but to sit down and rest.  Perhaps my feet, when they began aching, were trying to let me know it was time to sit and take a break.  By ignoring them, and forcing them to comply, they got louder and louder until I could not ignore them any longer. 

I wonder if the same does not apply to your emotions.  My anger seems to be getting more and more explosive.  Am I ignoring a message my anger is trying to communicate?  I'll have to test out my theory and see if it applies because it's necessary to control the rage that is residing with me at the moment.  Will I inflict physical harm in a rage, no.  I don't think I'm capable of inflicting physical harm.  But worse still in my mind is the emotional harm I am inflicting. 

If there is a lesson to learn, a message my anger is carrying for me to know then I must stop ignoring it.  Because like I did this afternoon, it will continue to get louder until I don't have a choice but to stop and listen.