Week of November 22, 2009: After Seven Years

It's been seven years since James died. I've learned a lot about myself and about how to continue living when you've lost your future, your hope, your will to go on. As I've said before, it's my desire to continue to make James proud of me that leads me to live a life of courage and perseverance. Without the belief that James is still watching, still wanting me to be the mother he knew, I would not be here today.

But still, there are aspects of grief that I am still learning about. There is a huge lesson that I'm struggling with today and a challenge I've not overcome. That lesson is - letting go. I don't know how to but I know that I have not done so yet. I know this because life, and James, have given me indication that I'm still clutching onto something that I refuse to let go of.

I'm not really sure what that is. On an intellectual level, I think that I've processed his death and the reality of it. Surely what I must let go of is on an emotional level. But I still don't understand what it is that I must let go of.

This is a unique avenue to process my thoughts and emotions - a somewhat public way to grieve. I'm normally an extremely private person and I'm certainly far from large scale exposure on the internet. But putting my experience out there gives me some comfort that I'm taking steps to reach out, not only to help others but to learn and grow in the process.

I have to let go. This I know. But what must I let go of? What am I holding onto? What am I refusing to see? What won't my heart look at? What is my heart grasping onto? I've cried a river of tears. I've shed so much pain and agony of loss through my tears. Even today, I sat and pulled out every picture I have of James - from his birth to his death and all ages in between. Reflecting on those moments and others we shared. He had the biggest, brightest smile in so many of those pictures. And I cried.

But I still don't know what I'm supposed to let go of. I've done a lot of letting go in my life. I've let go of anger, resentment, bitterness. It's not as though I don't know how to let go. I've recognized those things inside which have held me back and understood the necessity of letting them go. But here, I am baffled - sincerely baffled.

I'm certain since I am asking these questions that the answer will come. When I figure it out, I'll let you know.