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Friday, November 27, 2009

Figuring it out - at least a little

Almost immediately after posting my thoughts for the week about letting go, life let me know at least one really big obstacle to my growth that I need to let go of. I guess asking the question was enough to prompt a response and of course, I'm sitting here wondering why that? Why not something easier?

Years ago my sister and I "parted ways." It wasn't an argument that lead us apart, it was a conflict of personalities. She's not the sort of person I would choose to spend time getting to know. She's not the sort of person I would welcome into my world if we were not related by blood.

Normally, twin sisters are close. We're not identical but there's a bond between twins that exists. It's not so much that we don't have that bond. More likely, that bond is polluted with anger and resentment. For as long as I can remember, my sister has expressed a great deal of distaste for me.

In 1994, she choose to engage in an act that would cause me a great deal of suffering. An act that would have consequences beyond what any of us could possibly imagine at the time. She's not the sort of woman to take "no" for an answer and I tried to stand up to her and say "no."

Ultimately, I backed down. It took me over a year but I did. And I left our hometown and have only gone back on rare occasion. I went about my life, accepting what I could not change. Accepting that we would never have the relationship I formed with her in my mind. Accepting that sometimes peace of mind costs family relationships.

All these years later, life is telling me that I have not yet let go. Not really. There is a huge emotional burden I'm carrying that is holding me back. My self-image is very much tied to the dynamics which I thought I rejected.

It's time to let go. It's time to face the music - deal with the "ouch" of it all and forgive my sister. I am still confused as to how but I'm working on it.

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