7 Years Today

Today marks the 7th anniversary of the day James' Spirit was released from his body.  It's always a difficult time for me, the days leading up to and especially the day of this particular day.

7 years ago today I was touching his cold body, in shock, thinking this can't be. 

7 years ago today I was feeling the finality, the irreversibility of what just transpired.

7 years ago today the ground beneath my feet crumbled and my mind sat quiet, digesting that I would never hear his voice again.

I begged God to change it, fix it, make it some crazy nightmare that didn't really happen.  In the years since, like others who have had this same devastation in their lives, I've picked up the pieces and wake up each day trying to figure out what my life means without James.

I hold onto hope because I have to.  I hold onto the future because I must live each day in the spirit of what James would want for me and I know he certainly would never want his life to stand for the destruction of my own.  I know he wants for me to find beauty in the world and know peace in my heart because that's who James was as a person.

But still, my heart is broken.